I’m not really sure what we all thought was going to happen at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve. I know what we HOPED would happen. An instant cure for COVID, an elimination of racism, a magic wand to wave away any of the pain from 2020. But alas, here we are, masked up in our loungewear.
Although, call me crazy, but I didn’t entirely hate 2020. Hang with me here. It was messy, and complicated, and sad, and disappointing, and disruptive, and confusing, and pretty much any other negative adjective you want to throw on a page. But man did it change me. And in some really good, and really big ways.
Let’s revisit…I’m Type A, Strengthfinders Achiever, Eneagram Type 3, goal oriented, purpose driven, and a wee bit of a control freak. So in a year where things a constantly changing, you can’t plan for most things, your targets change by the day, and your control is very limited…yea, I struggled. I spent a lot of days crying. My anxiety was at levels that really frightened me. And I learned very quickly that anxiety and depression are very good friends.
On June 1st, Jack returned to daycare after being home with us since March 17th. After dropping him off, I sat in my car and cried. I took this picture, because I thought I looked so ridiculous and knew I would look back on that picture one day and laugh. But in that moment, I was so broken. I was sad and scared. And that was the day I set up an appointment with a therapist.
I’ve gone to therapy off and on since college, but in 2020, I committed to consistency and doing the hard work. And it is work. My illusions of lying on a couch and pouring my heart out aren’t really a thing. My therapist makes me think and gives me homework. It’s work, and sometimes I don’t want to do it, but it helps.
Maybe I didn’t need 2020 to happen to force me to make that appointment. Maybe I didn’t need it to force me to give up my overwhelming need to control. Maybe I didn’t need it to give me vital time with my husband and son that I didn’t get from traveling during 80% of my time. Maybe, but it did.
So here we are in 2021, and on the outside, it looks basically the same. We’re still at home, we’re still wearing masks, we’re still very much in the middle of a pandemic, same, same, same. But it feels different.
On December 17th, my sister-in-law shared a picture of her getting her first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, and I cried. Off and on for hours. I cried the happiest tears that I’ve cried in years. That picture symbolized hope, and I look at it every day.
So that’s what 2021 feels like to me–Hope. There’s so much of it, so much possibility, so much optimism.
I’m so glad you’re here to experience it with me.